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Why I am an Attached Parent

Posted on | June 12, 2012 | 9 Comments

The issue of attachment parenting has been done to death recently on pretty much every parenting blog I read, but it occurred to me that I don’t necessarily have the same readers as the sites I follow. I know that a lot of Alternative Housewife readers don’t have kids, and my few offline mom friends don’t necessarily share my parenting philosophy. Whether or not you saw or had opinions about the Attachment Parenting TIME cover, I’d like to share the reasons I parent this way.

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There is an episode of Sex and the City that was one of my favorites when I was 19 or so. The girls are at a baby shower and there is a mother there with her young son.

Mother at shower: I love my son. Andy is 11 months old. He is a god, and I tell him so every day.

Miranda: Thirty years from now, what do you think the chances are that some woman’s gonna be able to make Andy happy? I’m gonna go with zero.

Image copyright HBO
Above: The way Janine @ 19 might have looked if you told her I was still breastfeeding my two-year-old.

I can still hear the snark in Miranda’s voice, and remember myself smirking and snarking along with her. I had just been burned yet again by my “mama’s boy” boyfriend, and it seemed obvious to me that being coddled as a child was surely what had made him such a non-committal partner and crappy lover.

Fast-forward a few years and here I am, parenting my own young son in the very way Janine @ 19 was convinced would ruin him for life. Those of you who knew me back before I wanted kids might consider it puzzling. But here’s the thing – Of all the things I put my trust in, two things are at the top of the list. Science is up there, and my own instincts are at the very top. And both of those things completely support attached parenting.

What is attached parenting?

Attached parenting works differently for different families. It is based on eight principles, although there are no hard and fast rules for parenting this way. You could easily be doing it and not even know it has a name. Here is a great post on what attachment parenting is by one of my favorite bloggers. She writes, “Mainstream parenting often involves using schedules and punishment, cribs and strollers, weaning and sleep training, etc. It is about the parents doing something to the child rather than with the child.” Attachment parenting is about working with your child.

For me, attachment parenting simply means attending to the needs of my family without question, and recognizing my child’s needs as needs and not something to be trained out of him. For a small child, those needs include lots of physical contact and on-demand comfort. I feel (as many others do) that AP can be summed up nicely by the Dr. Seuss line, A person’s a person, no matter how small.

Breastfeeding & co-sleeping

What the science says

Science proves that attached dependence in childhood leads to secure independence in adults. “Attachment parenting” is a relatively new name for a centuries-old practice. Our ancestors breastfed and kept their babies close because it was a matter of survival. Breastfeeding, safe co-sleeping and skin-to-skin contact help decrease the risk of infant death even today. Children brought up this way are thought to be happier, smarter, more empathetic and able to form better relationships. It is obviously near impossible to conclusively prove that one parenting style is better than another, but I love this piece on how brainy women think about attachment parenting.

The science of attachment parenting is another great article which lists lots of sources. The end of the piece hypothesizes that mind-minded parenting (treating your child as a complete human being with their own thoughts and feelings) is really the key to the benefits of attachment parenting. I agree! Although I would insist that mind-minded parenting requires following principles of AP.

Daddy wearing Sebastian in our Rockin' Baby Sling

What my instincts tell me

I think that attachment parenting makes a lot of new moms breathe a sign of relief, because it tells us that our gut instincts are right! There is a reason, biologically, that our instinct is to respond to a crying infant as quickly as possible! There is a reason that our babies don’t want to leave the breast in those first few weeks, and why most don’t self-wean before two years old or frequently later. That overwhelming desire I felt, before my son was even born, to keep him sleeping safe against me in my own bed? Totally normal and purposeful from an evolutionary standpoint.

Sebastian, after nursing to sleep

The online attachment parenting community can seem overwhelming, intimidating, and even snooty at times – even to me – but I hope that you don’t take that as reason to avoid the philosophy altogether. I truly believe that the mainstream take on parenting in our society is majorly flawed, and that attached parenting (even if you never call it that!) is a smart, real way that we can return to our roots (before people were selling baby-unfriendly products and methods) to raise healthy, happy families. ♥

Category: Babies and Toddlers
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Comments

9 Responses to “Why I am an Attached Parent”

  1. Mallory
    June 12th, 2012 @ 7:23 AM

    I’d love to share my opinion on this, but I’m unable to make up my mind as to what I think!

    I’m very conflicted on most everything motherly, as I myself never want to have any children — I believe this is partially because I’ve been a second Mum to my three younger brothers since I was a child myself, and even more so now that she’s passed — So in a way, it’s like I’ve already experienced motherhood, and I’m like, ‘Nah, I’m done with that, mang. S’getting old now.’ Heh. It’s been over thirteen years!

    At any rate, I believe my own Mum fed my oldest younger brother until he was three, and he turned out alright in regards to how he treats teh wimminz — So far he’s not done a single thing wrong, actually — So you’re good for awhile yet, haha!

  2. Janine @ Alternative Housewife
    June 13th, 2012 @ 12:23 AM

    I always make a point of mentioning how my own opinions have changed because I totally get it when childless people think breastfeeding and sleeping with your older children is inappropriate. I’m more defensive when it’s other moms because I feel like they must have the same instincts that I have and are pushing them aside. I never liked or wanted kids (until I got serious with my husband) but having your own is like falling in love.

    I’m sure that parenting this way won’t make him perfect but I do hope that it helps in the way he relates to women (or men, or whomever) as an adult.

    I can definitely understand being burnt out after raising other people’s kids, siblings or not. That must be hard! I certainly wasn’t ready for a long time – Never thought I’d willingly trade evenings drinking for evenings nursing and playing in blanket forts!

  3. Nikia
    June 14th, 2012 @ 8:50 AM

    This is an excellent post!

  4. Melissa
    June 14th, 2012 @ 7:50 PM

    This is so well put, Janine, and I’m with you on all of it. The way I parent is so much different from what I would have expected, but it really does feel right. It’s instinctual, and I can’t see doing things any other way!

  5. West Philly Mama
    June 20th, 2012 @ 7:08 PM

    Yes! I hadn’t given it much thought before wanting kids – but I think people don’t realize how intuitive it is – and how much history there is.

  6. Danielle
    June 21st, 2012 @ 2:32 PM

    I know I am a little late to the comment party, but I still wanted to say thanks for this. This post makes the most sense of anything I have read on attached parenting. Not that I have read much… but I didn’t get very far before because of all the high and might lingo. Your writing it down to earth. Thanks.

  7. Janine @ Alternative Housewife
    June 21st, 2012 @ 11:47 PM

    Thank YOU! That is exactly what I was going for. :) A lot of the posts I’ve read come off so high and mighty that I start to doubt my own beliefs a little! I am more about just going with the flow and simply treating my child as a whole person. I don’t think my son is any less attached because we prefer a stroller to a sling and are open-minded about using ‘time-out’.

  8. Janine @ Alternative Housewife
    June 22nd, 2012 @ 12:07 AM

    I find the history of parenting FASCINATING – diapers, feeding, the role corporations have played in making mainstream “parenting” what it is today. Even the bad stuff is really interesting! But ultimately, instincts rule if you listen to them. A friend confided to me that she followed conventional (and her mother’s) advice not to bring her baby into her bed even though she really wanted to. It makes me incredibly sad that we’re so far removed from our roots, many parents don’t even trust their own instincts anymore.

  9. Janine @ Alternative Housewife
    June 22nd, 2012 @ 12:10 AM

    Thank you thank you – From a fellow writer I respect, that means a lot!

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